It’s election time. I’m so happy, I’m so excited.
Oh wait … I can’t vote because I’m one of those non-citizen thingies. That sucks. Still, I suppose even if I could vote I probably don’t know enough to make an informed decision. Politically, I can’t distinguish between a Maureen and a Trudy, a Leslie and a Link.
So what’s a poor immigrant to do when he’s left out of the fun? He makes up his own election, that’s what. He creates policies, parties and candidates dearest to his imagination.
So here’s my Alternative List of Candidates (Sadly, George, the Leader frog, missed nomination deadline).
Professor Pompous (Supreme Arrogance Party): All right, some policies seem extreme. The “tiny brain” test makes me nervous – those whose brains fail to meet legal size requirements will be accorded the same status as gnats, be compelled to wear “tiny brain” stickers on foreheads and have “insignificant” stamped in passports. Hardly a vote-winner. Still, the professor’s idea of the Absolutely Furious Act has merit. Who doesn’t want to harangue people with impunity? That’s right. Let fly with invective at your boss, MLA or reporter, cite the Absolutely Furious Act, and watch him or her squirm. Those who are creative can win MSI (Most Stunning Insult) awards.
Lord Nosebag, commonly called Lord Nose (Gross Incompetence Party): His plan for a “Be Kind To A Bald Man” Day is a personal fave. On a designated day baldies will be spoilt rotten and plied with free candy. They will be eligible for compensation – one dollar for every lost follicle – subsidized hair transplants and restorative lotions. They will also get one free session of being dangled upside down so blood can nourish the scalp.
Other Lord Nose brainwaves are robots with GPS capability for immigrants confused by Barrhead’s street numbers and his One Minus Two law stipulating that for every law enacted two must be eliminated.
Dr. Jellybean (Squiggle Dash Squiggle ??? Party): Blame the party name on the doctor’s handwriting which election officials could not decipher. That aside, his plan to declare Barrhead a jellybean jurisdiction makes him a frontrunner. The idea is to create a jellybean reservoir, like a water plant. Turn on the tap and jellybeans flow out. Yummy.
Naturally, Jellybean is concerned about stress, thus his Let’s Go Crazy proposal. Going bonkers occasionally is healthy, he argues. By enshrining craziness in law, he hopes to make it socially acceptable. People will feel free to hop down Main Street in garbage bags, singing “I Love Farm Trucks.”
Horace Dithers (Party of Intellectual Pygmies): A SAP victory would be disastrous for PIPs, but Horace’s plan for water to be treated like air – a vital God-given resource man should not appropriate and charge for – could be a winner. No more water rates.
Horace is also sure his proposed Sleep Grants will stir the electorate. Another personal favourite. Those who have trouble rising in the morning, no longer need worry about being late for work. The PIPs will pay you for sleeping. Finally a party that recognizes the value of sleep, a time when poets, philosophers and the downright lazy do their best thinking.
Ahhhhhhh well … am feeling rather drowsy now. Best practise having a lie-down in case the PIPs squeak home on April 23.
Oh, by the way, there is no copyright on these policies. So Maureen, Trudy, Link, Leslie et al., feel free to insert the best ones into your platforms.
I recommend the doctor’s prescription. Who doesn’t like jellybeans?
